


Please Don't Say You Love Me

by of_feathers_and_bowstrings



Series: so close (yet still so far) [2]
Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Complicated Relationships, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Unresolved Romantic Tension, featuring toe socks, part of this is definitely just a love letter to Hope and Legacy, worlds 2017
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-04
Updated: 2019-07-04
Packaged: 2020-06-03 21:46:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19472830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/of_feathers_and_bowstrings/pseuds/of_feathers_and_bowstrings
Summary: For Yuzu, there are things that are better left unsaid.





	Please Don't Say You Love Me

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! So, this was meant to be a thing to get over some writer's block. I want to say a quick thank you to Mother_North for this prompt. I apologize in advance, this got WAY out of hand. Idk what this even is. But I tried to meet your request of Hurt/Comfort and toe socks. Lol. 
> 
> Anyway, hope you enjoy!

Yuzu feels the weight of the world come crashing down on him as he sits in the Kiss and Cry. He stares at the five next to his name, at the one point deduction for something he doesn’t know what for. It’s not the lowest score he’s ever gotten, but it sets him back about five places. The trek to that top of that podium suddenly seems so daunting, impossible.

When all is said and done, Javi is at the top, leading the rest of the pack. Of course, there’s a part of Yuzu that’s happy for Javi, genuinely proud of him for performing so wonderfully. But the other half of him, the more dominate part of him, feels crushing disappointment and bitterness. It’s an ugly feeling that twists and curls in his gut, makes him feel like retreating into the darkest hole he can find to hide away. It doesn’t help that people are already handing Javi his third world title. Yuzu feels sick. 

It leaves Yuzu in a dark mood for the rest of the evening. He shouldn’t be sulking like he is, avoiding everyone that only wants to support him, but Yuzu is tired, angry, and so, _so_ frustrated with himself. It’s the end of the season and his programs are not nearly polished enough. He hasn’t skated a clean Hope and Legacy all season, that damn quad sal combo always alluding him. He needs it tomorrow. He knows that any one mistake will knock him off the top. 

Doubt is the loudest emotion that occupies his mind now. He can’t stop watching his short program over and over again. Can’t stop cringing at the botched combo. How the hell is he ever going to measure up to the expectations of everyone counting on him to deliver? How is he going to make up for this one? Eleven points away from first. It seems like a losing battle. 

Frustrated, he tosses his phone away, curling in on himself in bed, tugging the sheets around himself, almost as if wrapping himself up in a protective cocoon. He feels hot, angry tears begin to well up in his eyes, pressure building in his chest as he chokes out a sob. He scrubs at his eyes, digging the heels of palms against his eyes until he sees blots of bright colors explode behind his eyelids. 

A knock comes at the door then. Yuzu ignores it in favor of keeping safe under the blanket. He doesn’t want to deal with the rest of the world right now. Whoever is on the other side keeps persisting though. Yuzu pokes his head out from the covers to glare at the door. _Go away._ The knocks stop, but then Yuzu’s phone buzzes. He squints against the brightness in his otherwise dark room.

**From Javi:**

**It’s me. Open up.**

Yuzu thinks about turning Javi down, shutting him out, so he can drown in his sorrows alone. It hurts too much to see Javi. All it does is remind him of his own failure to deliver like he should have, like he’s capable of. Besides, he doesn’t want to let Javi in. He’s let Javi in too many times. 

**From: Javi**

**Please don’t hide from me.**

Yuzu runs his thumb across the screen and bites his lip, hard enough for him to taste copper on his tongue. He struggles with himself. He’s always been a bit selfish, taking more than he should, more than he deserves. He’s always clung to Javi more than he knows is good for him, for the both of them. Yuzu can choose to ignore Javi’s message and turn him down, keep the door firmly shut on Javi to prevent him from coming any closer. And yet…he throws off the covers with a resigned sigh to get up and answer the door. Javi’s standing there, offering a thin, unsure smile. Yuzu takes in his messy hair, the soft wrinkled gray shirt and black sweatpants, an inverse of Yuzu’s own sleepwear. Yuzu also notices that Javi isn’t wearing shoes, his feet only covered in a pair of red and yellow toe-socks. It almost makes Yuzu smile. Almost.

Yuzu looks up and Javi’s eyes are shiny, pleading. Yuzu crosses his arms but reluctantly steps aside to let Javi in. 

_Stupid Bambi eyes_.

Javi lingers next to Yuzu’s bed, not crossing any more boundaries just yet. Instead, he looks at Yuzu, carefully. “How are you feeling?”

“Bad. Very sad and angry. Wish I did good like Javi.” Yuzu spits, holding nothing back now that Javi’s in front of him. It’s late and he has no filter.

“You’ll be back in it to win it tomorrow.”

“Javi always says that, but I don’t think it is true.”

“Are you seriously doubting yourself right now?”

“Why not? Have not skated clean all season. Keep messing up stupid combo. Program not complete, not good.” Yuzu sits at the edge of the bed, pouting like an angry child throwing a tantrum. “It’s obvious Javi will win again.”

Javi makes an irritated noise and storms towards Yuzu, getting in his space. He presses is palms flat against the bed beside Yuzu, caging him in and towering over him. Yuzu isn’t intimidated, though. He sits straighter, squares his shoulders, and meets Javi head on like it’s some kind of competition. His gaze is icy sharp. Any lesser man would have cowered but not Javi. Javi is more than used to this. Yuzu doesn’t flinch even as Javi leans closer, their noses touching. “So, what? You’re just going to give me the title then? You’re not even going to try?”

“Why try? I am fifth. I already lose. People believe Javi is champion already. I am done.” Even as the words leave Yuzu’s mouth, he knows it’s wrong. He knows that that isn’t true. A competition is more than a short program.

Javi growls, takes Yuzu’s wrist and pins him against the bed. Yuzu struggles against his grip out of instinct, but then goes limp. He’s tired of fighting. His submission seems to nullify the fight in Javi’s own body. His expression falls and he let’s go of Yuzu to roll onto his back. The two lie in silence, Javi staring angrily at the ceiling while Yuzu stares at Javi.

“What is with you lately? What happened to the fight in you? Where’s the typical Yuzu fire? You never back down. You never quit. What happened to that?”

“Fire died.” Yuzu balls his hands into fists, his nails biting into his palms. “Too tired, too broken, not enough anymore.”

“That’s bullshit, Yuzu. I know you don’t believe that.” Javi shifts onto his side to glare at him while Yuzu glares back. “You’re just scared.”

Yuzu flinches.

“You’re scared. That’s okay. But you aren’t a coward. I know you’re not. So stop pretending like you are one.”

“How could Javi possibly now how I feel? Have won Worlds two times. Two times Javi is best skater. Javi does so good with pretty salchow.”

“God, you can be so full of shit sometimes,” Javi scoffs, “Yuzu, I know _exactly_ how you feel. You and I both know it’s not easy to stand at the top. It’s terrifying. You aren’t the only one who feels this way.”

“Javi is scared, too?” Yuzu asks, quietly. 

“Of course I am. I’m human. You’re human. I feel it all the time. But I know what I’m capable of and I know I’m not alone. I have Tracy and Brian and family and _you_. That’s how I get through it.” Javi breaches the space between them to take hold of Yuzu’s hand. “Do you remember what I told you once at Sochi?”

Yuzu nods. How could he ever forget?

“I told you that I won’t let you carry the weight alone. I meant it, Yuzu. I know your fear. I know it as well as my own. So, when you feel this way, don’t push me away.”

Yuzu lets Javi’s words soak in. He lays there, letting them fill him up and make him a bit misty eyed. He retracts his hand, draws his knees up to his chest to hug himself, curling into a tight ball. Right now, Yuzu wishes the universe would swallow him whole. 

“I am afraid of falling.” Yuzu admits, a quiet whisper. 

“I’ll catch you.” Javi whispers back just as quietly. Yuzu locks eyes with Javi. There’s so much in them that Yuzu’s afraid to decipher. A something that’s been there since Sochi, that’s only seemed to grow these past few years. But now isn’t the time for this.

_Will it ever be?_ A voice in the back of his mind asks bitterly. The truth is that there’s never a good time. They don’t have the luxury. These types of things aren’t for them, not when there’s so much on the line. But sometimes, when they’re feeling brave and a little bit selfish, they catch themselves in moments like these and it’s hard to pretend it’s nothing. 

It’s everything. 

“You know what I think?” Javi runs his fingers through Yuzu’s hair. “I think that you just need to let go a little. Forget about the score. Just skate for yourself.”

“It’s not that simple.”

“Nothing with you is.” Yuzu knows that Javi doesn’t say it to be hurtful but Yuzu is hurt regardless. Mostly because he knows it’s true. Yuzu is anything but a simple person. “You just have to stop fighting yourself. Stop fighting the world.” 

“I don’t know if I can.” Yuzu’s voice cracks.

Javi laces their fingers together. He presses a light kiss to the tips of Yuzu’s fingers. “You know, I remember meeting this tiny boy from Sendai that showed up at Nice with so much passion it overflowed, shining so bright he was almost blinding. I remember a young Romeo that threw himself out there with reckless abandon, that laid his heart bare on the ice. I remember looking at that precious boy and thinking how brave he was to give himself up like that, to show so much at such a young age.”

Yuzu blushes. “Brian doesn’t like it when I get reckless and out of control.”

“You don’t have to be. You just have to let yourself be free. Isn’t that what Hope and Legacy is? You’re the wind that blows freely, an unyielding river that rushes over anything in your path, the sea that gently caresses the seashore. You are life itself, constantly moving and changing. Unstoppable.”

Yuzu’s chest tightens to the near point of being almost too painful. He forces himself to breathe. Javi scoots closer, tucking Yuzu under his chin, holding him securely in his arms. “You don’t have to be a storm all the time. Sometimes a gentle breeze works, too.”

“Do you think I can?”

Javi chuckles, reaching to softly flick Yuzu’s forehead. “Silly. You know I do. Everything you want to give is in this program. It’s already within you. You move the world in a way that no one else does. You just have to dig deep and reach for it.”

“I will try.” Yuzu promises. 

* * *

After talking with Javi, Yuzu feels motivated again to win. The fire inside of him is still burning, but low and steady. Controlled. As he takes to the ice, he empties his mind of the scoring, of the podium, of everything that weighs him down. He chooses to keep Javi’s words, though. He keeps them close to his heart. It’s not about the points. It’s about the program, about the performance. It’s about Yuzu and what he represents.

The music begins and he allows himself to be carried away to someplace far, far away. A place where he’s free from the judges’ eyes and the crippling pressure.

He lands the quad loop and his blades carry him across the ice. Up next is the salchow; the jump he’s worked tirelessly to perfect, a jump he shares with his closest ally. He nails that and continues to the flying change combo spin, his blades scratching against the ice like a running stream. He raises his leg, arches his back into the Biellmann. He let’s his leg go, flows right into the step sequence.

His blades dance as light as a feather as he moves across the ice, merging one with the music, moving as one entity. Yuzu breaks from the chains which bind him. Here with the music surrounding him, he is free. Like the wind blowing gently through the trees. Like a river flowing and never stopping. Like the sea, rising and falling with the tide. One with the currents that are strong and powerful. They’re things Yuzu knows that can rip everything he loves apart. But not this time. It’s not a storm Yuzu is aiming for. Hope and Legacy is not a program that destroys. 

It’s one that heals. 

Yuzu doesn’t think about it as he lands the quad sal-triple toe. He lets the happiness overflow, lets love into his heart. For this moment in time, Yuzu opens himself up, unafraid or ashamed. With strong, yet delicate sweeping arm movements, Yuzu beckons anyone willing into his world. Yuzu wants them to see. He wants them to know know who he is and what lies deep in his heart.

It’s more than a program, a means to an end. It’s a message.

_Thank you for supporting me._

It’s for Sendai, a reminder he hasn’t forgotten them, such an integral part of himself. 

A flawless quad toe.

This is for his family that has stuck by him from the very beginning.

_Thank you for sacrificing so much for me. Thank you for loving me as I am._

The triple axel-double toe flows like butter. 

_Thank you for pushing me to be better._

This is for his coaches that work with him every day, that remind him that he can always improve, to be greater than his past self.

_Thank you for never letting me forget who I am._

It’s for Javi, who makes his soul sprout wings and shines a light when Yuzu gets lost in the dark thoughts that threaten to crush his spirit. 

The triple axel-euler-triple sal blends seamlessly into the music.

Heat floods his veins but Yuzu keeps steady as he bends into his signature hydroblade. He lets that heat engulf his heart. The icy walls keeping it prisoner crumble as he arches his back into a beautiful Ina Bauer; a bowstring pulled taut. He reaches back into the final triple lutz, pumping his fist in celebration when he lands it. 

Yuzu reaches up to snatch the stars in the sky, then opens up his arms to give them away to everyone that’s ever been a part of him. This is as much theirs as it is his. He nearly collapses as he hugs Brian and Tracy. He clings onto them like a lifeline, hoping they got his message. The universe restores itself when Yuzu’s scores are announced. Another world record to the books. It’s an amazing feeling of course, but Yuzu is glad for another reason entirely.

For the first time in a long time, Yuzu feels like himself again.

Javi isn’t as lucky and falls in the free skate. He tumbles down to fourth place and is left off the podium. Yuzu finds Javi once it’s all over to hug him tightly.

_I owe you more than I can ever say._

“It’s like I told you, right? You work hard, you can get it.” Javi tells him. Yuzu knows he wants to say more but there are cameras and people, so Javi let’s Yuzu go to face the media. 

During the medal ceremony, Yuzu feels weightless. It’s been so long since he’s felt this high. It’s weird, though, being on the podium without Javi. For the past years, Worlds was _theirs_. To not have Javi by his side seems wrong somehow even though he knows that the two standing beside him deserve this just as much.

He and Javi don’t interact much during the gala. Yuzu can tell Javi is in a bad mood and respectfully keeps his distance for now. He knows Javi well-enough by now to know when to approach and when to stay away. Yuzu knows that they’ll find each other again, just like they always do. 

During the banquet, Javi is in higher spirits, probably a result of the alcohol that gives him a little kick. He dances and jokes around with Alex and Maia. Even spinning Zhenya around playfully. Yuzu keeps to himself mostly, occasionally making conversation when he gets approached by fellow skaters wanting to congratulate him. Misha takes a couple of selfies with him and pats him on the back.

“Welcome back, my liege. It’s been a very long time.” Misha jokes, making a show out off it by kissing the back of Yuzu’s hand.

Yuzu laughs, pushing his face away and wrinkling his nose.” So cheesy.”

“Seriously, though. You gave one hell of a performance. You should be proud. You earned that crown.”

“Thank you, Misha.”

“Now, excuse me while I go bother our favorite Spaniard.” Misha winks and wanders off to the dance floor to join Javi. 

Yuzu giggles as he watches their impromptu dance. They look ridiculous waltzing around. He nearly chokes on his water as Javi dips Misha while throwing him a cheesy wink. Yuzu holds his stomach as he lets out a loud, boisterous laugh. A few people turn their heads in his direction. He doesn’t care, though. He feels joyous and bubbly.

“You haven’t laughed like that in a long time.” Shoma mutters next to him, tapping furiously at his phone.

“Well, I am feeling extremely happy right now. Here, have some love.” Shoma squeaks as Yuzu grabs him abruptly and nuzzles against his cheek, making tiny, happy, high-pitched noises. “Feeling the love?”

“Oh, definitely.”

Yuzu giggles again, letting Shoma go. Shoma rolls his eyes as he fixes his hair before going back to his gaming. There’s a hint of a smile playing on his lips but Yuzu doesn’t call him out on it. Instead, he reverts his attention back to the dance floor. Javi is still dancing like a crazy person, flailing his arms around like those weird floppy balloon dancers at car shows. Eventually, the music dies down to something slower.

As people go to grab their partners, Javi is left standing alone. Javi’s eyes find him again, dark and imploring. He tilts his head, a quiet invitation.Yuzu swallows.

_Dance with him_ , his mind whisper. 

Yuzu’s fingers twitch in his lap. He stands, almost hypnotized by Javi’s intense stare. However, he freezes when someone else steps in to ask Javi to dance. Yuzu can’t tell who it is. Their back is to him, and honestly it doesn’t even matter. Because it’s like someone smacked him across the face. It wakes him up.

“Yuzu?” Shoma looks up, brows furrowed in concern. 

“I-I think I’m gonna call it a night. I’m a little tired. Excuse me.”

Yuzu waves goodbye to the rest of Team Japan. He steps into the elevator and leans back against the wall, pressing his palm flat against his chest. There’s this pressure rising inside his lungs like an inflated balloon. The elevator doors open and Yuzu’s feet feel like lead as he walks down the hallway to his room.

After struggling with the door, Yuzu finally gets the key card in. He toes off his shoes, slumps to the floor in front of his bed, and pulls his knees to his chest. There’s an unpleasant feeling gnawing at his gut. He’s always been the type to feel too much. It’s the reason he blocks things out the way he does, why he tends to keep people at a distance. Anything too much affects him. 

He stares hard at his Pooh printed toe socks, willing the cute, smiling face to take his mind off of tonight. Yuzu can feel himself start to spiral, thoughts trickling through the cracks in his protective shell. Perhaps that’s always the risk when Yuzu allows himself to be vulnerable. He jumps when a knock comes at the door. 

It shouldn’t really be a surprise to find Javi standing on the other side but it is. It feels like deja vu. Javi shifts his weight from one foot to another, his smile strained, twitching at the corners. 

“Tired from dancing already?” Yuzu asks, raising a brow.

“A little. Mostly, I just want to be alone with you.” Javi’s eyes are as intense as they were during the banquet. “Is that okay?”

Yuzu’s stomach twists into knots, a lump forming in his throat. Unable to find his voice, he just nods Javi in. Once allowed inside Yuzu’s space, Javi’s smile morphs into something a little more easy, a little more soft. He cradles Yuzu’s face in hands, tenderly, staring at Yuzu as if he were holding the world’s most precious treasure. As if he’s Javi’s universe.

_You shouldn’t be looking at me like this._

“Congratulations again, Champion. Just like I said, right? You were beautiful. Perfect.”

Javi’s words nip at the lining of Yuzu’s heart. He notices how Javi’s eyes have gone a little misty, can see the vaguest signs of disappointment creeping in. Now that the high of the evening has vanished, it allows for all the other emotions to come crashing down. Yuzu knows this feeling well. So, he doesn’t hesitate to draw Javi in, to wrap his arms around him tightly. He doesn’t tell Javi it’s okay or that he did his best. He knows that Javi doesn’t want to hear that right now. Sometimes, with Javi, Yuzu knows that words don’t need to be said. 

Yuzu feels Javi laugh wetly against his neck. He pulls away to look at Javi. Javi’s face is streaked with tears, eyes a little red and puffy. Yuzu reaches to wipe those tears away just as gently as Javi’s done for him. He curls his fingers into Javi’s hair, bring their foreheads to rest against each other. 

“God, I was so looking forward to being on that podium with you.” Javi sniffs, nuzzling his nose against Yuzu’s. 

“What happened in the free?” 

“I cracked. I did exactly what I told you not to do. My brain decided to rebel against me.” Javi laughs mirthlessly. “I’m not the lead type of guy, I guess. I do better when I chase.”

“Maybe from now on, I stay ahead so Javi does better, then?” Yuzu teases, trying to bring Javi’s smile back.

It works.

A smile blooms on Javi’s face, bright and warm. 

“Watching your back does make for very good motivation.”

Javi smiles, eyes flicking downwards. He snorts and Yuzu gives him a face. “What?”

“Cute socks.”

Yuzu looks down at his Pooh socks, wiggling his toes. “What is wrong with socks?”

“It’s bad enough that you were actually wearing _toe socks_ to the banquet. But Winnie-the-Pooh? Really?”

“Do not judge Pooh! It is special!”

Javi chuckles, fondly, brushing Yuzu’s hair away from his forehead to plant a kiss on it. “You are ridiculous.”

Yuzu rolls his eyes, before laying his head against Javi’s chest. He closes his eyes and breathes, Javi’s heart beat lulling him. 

“Next season,” Yuzu starts, “Olympic season.”

“It is.” He feels Javi nod. “It’s going to be tough. I’m really starting to feel my age. I don’t know if I can keep this up. You younger ones are going to keep adding more quads, I can’t keep up.”

Yuzu shakes his head. “Javi don’t need so many quads. Javi is already best without. Javi has good skating and pretty Sal.”

“I don’t know if it’s enough…”

“Now who’s doubting?” Yuzu frames Javi’s face in his hands, brushing over his stubble. “Javi is wonderful skater. Very beautiful jumps. Wonderful programs. You will be fine.”

There’s this sinking feeling in Yuzu’s stomach. It’s inevitable that skaters retire from the sport but it’s not time yet. It can’t be. Not for Javi. 

“Together, next season, we will go to Olympics. And we will stand on podium together. You must be my second place.”

Javi laughs. “Oh, second place, huh?”

“Of course, gold is mine.” Yuzu grins.

Javi rolls his eyes. “Be warned, I may have my doubts but I will always want gold, too. I’m going to do my best to meet you there.”

“Javi will look at my backside?”

“It is a wonderful backside, I’ll have you know.”

Yuzu giggles. The tense atmosphere eases somewhat as they laugh together. Javi settles first, raising a hand to tuck a strand of hair behind Yuzu’s ears. “Joking aside, I’ve always been chasing after you.”

Yuzu intertwines their fingers together. “Just me? No Patrick or—“

“Just you.” Javi brings Yuzu in to cradle the back of his head, holding him close, “Always and only you.”

Yuzu goes silent, unable to come up with anything to say to that. Instead, he buries his face in Javi’s neck. Just like that, the tension snaps back like a rubber band pulled too tight. As if sensing Yuzu’s trouble, Javi starts swaying. Yuzu laughs, raising his head. “What are you doing?”

“Dancing.” Javi raises his arm to twirl Yuzu before bringing him back in. He places a hand low on Yuzu’s back, the other holding onto his hand. “I was hoping to steal a dance with you earlier.”

Pink paints Yuzu’s cheeks. He had wanted to dance, too but—he shakes his head. “I don’t know how to dance like this.”

“I can teach you.”

Javi leads them in a slow waltz. Yuzu follows, staring at their feet, trying to keep himself from stepping on Javi’s feet. Javi nudges Yuzu’s temple with his nose. “Look at me.”

Yuzu shakes his head, grip tightening. His face is burning and he’s trying really hard not to trip. He doesn’t know what it is about dancing on land but he’s never been particularly good at it. He can’t quite move the way he does on ice. His movements here are jerky, awkward.

“Don’t think so much. Just move with me like we do in practice.”

Yuzu’s thoughts stray to their shared home rink. He thinks about gliding beside Javi, following his steps, keeping in time with him. It’s always been a comfort to hear the sound of Javi’s blades moving in sync with his. There’s this wonderful, indescribable feeling of sharing a passion and joy with another. Even while doing something as tedious as Tracy’s stroking exercises. 

“See, you got it.”

Yuzu blinks, glancing down. They’re moving a bit faster now, still slower than what Yuzu has seen on TV. They’re a little clumsy, far from perfect but it works. “Javi is a good dancer.”

“You are not so bad yourself.”

They continue to move together, eventually slowing down to rock back and forth in a slow dance. Javi hums, pulling Yuzu closer to him. Yuzu melts against him. He wants to merge with Javi, wants to stay forever in the protective, comforting warmth of Javi’s body. He feels safe here, calm. Javi’s fingers slip beneath his shirt, dance along the skin of his waist. A part of Yuzu wants Javi to touch him more, harder, all over. Yuzu wants to touch him back, wants to stroke his hands down Javi’s strong back. He wants to be filled with Javi, wants to drown in everything that he is. 

“See?” Javi murmurs into his hair, “sometimes it’s good to let go. Let yourself feel.”

_I feel too much when I’m with you._

Reality rushes back and Yuzu stops. His head is spinning. There’s a reason he locks these emotions away in the very deepest, darkest, secret parts of himself. He indulges in their shared, quiet moments because it’s the only time Yuzu can let go a little, let himself want, just a little more than he should, knowing Javi will not judge him for it, but encourage it. But there are still carefully drawn lines between them that they can’t ever cross. Yuzu can’t. He has a duty to the world and Javi’s got dreams of his own. He cannot belong to Javi and Javi can never belong to him.

“I can see you thinking.” Javi taps Yuzu’s head. “What crazy thoughts are going on in that head of yours, hm?”

“Thinking about you. About me…us.”

“Oh.”

Yuzu licks his lips. He doesn’t miss the way Javi’s eyes follow the action, going half-lidded. He can feel Javi’s blunt fingernails bite into his waist. Yuzu’s abdomen tenses as his hands tremble with need to touch Javi the way he shouldn’t. He opts to hold onto Javi’s shoulders instead. Javi moves in, angling his head just right so that their lips just barely touch, lingering just out of reach. Yuzu gasps, “I can’t. I can’t, Javi. I’m sorry, I—“

Javi shushes him, shaking his head sadly,“I know, Yuzu, I know.”

_Forgive me for being so selfish._

Yuzu moves away. His head is cloudy, thoughts running rampant, threatening to tear him open, leaving him raw and bleeding. He hiccups on a tiny sob, but clamps his mouth shut. No, no more crying. He takes a deep breath, inhaling and exhaling slowly. Javi gravitates towards him again, reaching to cup the side of his neck. “Skating will always be your first love. I understand that, but it doesn’t change the way I feel about you.”

“Javi—“

“I won’t stop chasing you, Yuzu.” Javi brushes his fingers tenderly against Yuzu’s cheek.

_How long before you get tired and decide you’ve had enough?_

“No matter how long it takes, Yuzu, I won’t give up. I lo—“ Yuzu quickly reaches up to press two fingers against Javi’s lips to stop those words from tumbling out.

“Don’t.” Yuzu pleads. “Please, don’t.”

Javi doesn’t. He nods, slowly, though Yuzu can see the hurt in his eyes, the longing, everything Yuzu knows is reflected in his own. He bites his lip as he catches the tears that start falling from Javi’s eyes. He feels a couple slide down his own cheeks. Javi doesn’t say it, but Yuzu still hears it whispered as they hold onto each other. 


End file.
